Where is my mind.

Take a deep breath. Let it out. Close your eyes. Open them again. You cannot see. I'm not talking like everything is black, I'm telling you, you cannot see. Everything is there, but you cannot see it. There are no colours in what is in front of you. There is no movement. There is no focus.

Put your hands over your ears. Squeeze tightly. Now take your hands away. You cannot hear. There are sounds but you cannot hear them. Everything feels like it's coming from very far away. If someone talks to you, you have no idea that they are doing so, even if they are right beside you. If they get your attention and are standing directly in front of you, you only hear the first few minutes of what they are saying (if that) and then you cannot hear or see them.

It feels as though you are dreaming. A dream where you cannot interact with the surroundings. A dream where you do not exist. You are merely the spectator in this dream. You watch the events of the person in this dreams life unfold. You do not seem to have much control over these events.

Your mind. Is a vacuum. Nothing goes in and nothing comes out. Your mind can control actions that you have always been able to do. It can only attempt extreme new actions, actions that must result in some kind of physical pain. That is the only way your mind can learn.

Your attention span is very limited, sometimes less then a minute. You often find yourself standing somewhere with no knowledge of how you got there and no idea why you are there. This can happen several times within the same place.

Think about what you did yesterday, last week, earlier today. Now forget it. You have no idea what you did. The memories are there but you cannot reach them. The more you try to recall what you did the harder it becomes. Draw a picture of a friend/ or family members face. Rub it out. See that smudged mark. That is how you see your friends, family etc in your mind.

Wiggle your toes. Move your legs. Move your bum. Move your belly. Your chest. Shrug your shoulders. Move your arms. wiggle your fingers. Crick your neck. Shake your head. Now stay very still. There is a sick feeling somewhere in your insides. It is impossible to pinpoint where. It's not like ill kind of sick. You are not going to throw up. But it is always there. You are barely aware of the rest of your body. Just the every present sick feeling.

Sometimes the sick feeling, reaches your eyes. Your eyes hurt. Your head hurts. It feels like there is a gaping hole in your chest. There is liquid running down your cheeks. You have no idea why. Your throat hurts. You realise you have been silently screaming. You relax and realise that your whole body has been tensed up. Now you are numb. The sick feeling is still there. You blink. Your cold. You look down. You are wet. You are in a towel. Shivering beside your hall radiator. You have no idea how you got there. You know this has happened before. You do not know when.

Tomorrow will be the same. You will not know what day it is. You will only be dimly aware of the GMT time. You do not register time passing. The time is a constant surprise. Repetition makes it easier.

Tomorrow..