At times like these.

"Lord grant me the strength to change the things I can, the courage to except the things I can't and the wisdom to know the difference"

Today I was not here

...you are all listening but you are not hearing what I have to say.

DELIA DERBYSHIRE: On Our Wavelength

This might be my last post but i want to include the things i've read and this is one of them.

DELIA DERBYSHIRE: On Our Wavelength
This article was originally published in Boazine 7.
Text: John Cavanagh
TV themes are so evocative - a couple of bars of Trumpton, Wonder Woman, The Prisoner, The Herbs, Randall & Hopkirk (deceased) or whatever and you're transported to another place. Maybe the most famous one of all is the eerie wail which told millions that the Tardis was off again: the Doctor Who theme. Way back in 1963 the producer of this new pilot series wanted a piece of music which sounded like the French group Le Structure Sonore who played music on resonating glass rods. They couldn't afford to use them for a series which might not run for a few weeks anyway, so they called on Delia Derbyshire of the BBC's Radiophonic Workshop who took Ron Grainer's tune and created the Doctor who theme as we know it using a dozen valve oscillators which were never designed for any kind of musical application. For once, cutting corners produced a classic and more than 35 years on Delia appeared at a recent Doctor Who convention and spent over three hours signing autographs for enthusiastic fans. Aside from this theme, little is known about Delia... you'll see her name-checked by Sonic Boom and soon - thanks to Drew Mulholland of the Mount Vernon Arts Lab - you'll be able to hear her music on cd for the first time. Derbyshire's sounds are amongst the greatest discoveries we've made: timeless and unique. We think people need to know more about her, so I spoke to Delia on the 'phone for Boa and started out by saying that she had an open mind to sound of all sorts...

DELIA: Oh my goodness! That's brilliant that you said that! I was trying to analyse myself and I've got an open attitude to sound. Golly! We are on the same wavelength! I came from - what they'd like to call themselves - an upper working class Catholic background in Coventry. I was there in the blitz and it's come to me, relatively recently, that my love for abstract sounds [came from] the air-raid sirens: that's a sound you hear and you don't know the source of as a young child... then the sound of the "all clear" - that was electronic music. I mentioned the Catholic bit: I was taken to benediction as a child and it was all in Latin -plain song hymns in an abstract language. After the worst blitz I was shifted to Preston, where my parents came from. It's only today that I've realised that the sound of clogs on cobbles must have been such a big influence on me - that percussive sound of al the mill workers going to work at six o'clock in the morning.

Delia was a very bright child. By the time she was four, she was teaching other children to read. The radio was the most important thing in her life as primary school couldn't really bring her much information. She started learning piano at eight and a half then got a scholarship to a grammar school which didn't approve of her out-of-school music studies. Her father wanted her to learn 'cello, but the school said they had enough cellists and put her to the violin:

DELIA: I hated the bloody violin! You haven't actually seen me, but I'm pretty big, very tall and my arms outspread are longer than a guardsman's! Me on this little violin - I was never happy and so after I was at the BBC I had an urge to take up double bass. I had lessons from the double bass principle at Covent Garden. After quite a few lessons he said "you'd be a very good asset to a ladies orchestra"!! (Delia's voice rises to a cadence at this point at the old guy's nerve!). Directors who came to see me work used to say "you must be an ardent feminist" - I think I was a post - feminist before feminism was invented!

JOHN: I think an individualist is more accurate really.

DELIA: Golly, I realised that... people that are just interested in self promotion and money are not my thing... you should see my last birthday card, a lovely one from America, with a whole shoal of fishes in silhouette with their mouths turned down and one fish swimming the other way with a smile on its face and printed on the card was "to an independent thinker". (much laughter) I think that sums me up; I did rebel. I did a lot of things I was told not to do.

The BBC started the Radiophonic workshop in 1958. The idea was to have a department providing, at low cost, theme and incidental music plus sound effects for radio & t.v. series. Today some of this stuff sounds quaint and dated but Delia's work stands out thanks to her ultimate resource - a limitless imagination. When Ron Grainer wrote the melody for the Doctor Who theme, he supplied only abstract direction.

DELIA: On the score he'd written "sweeps", "swoops"... beautiful words... "wind cloud", "wind bubble"... so I got to work and put it together and when Ron heard the results.. oh he was tickled pink!

This theme alone should have given Delia legendary status, but within the BBC much of her music was rejected. One theme was considered too lascivious, a schools theme was too complex for the target age etc. Outside the BBC Delia was in demand, scoring music for films, fashion shows even commercials (much to the chagrin of the Corporation!).

Barry Miles' Paul McCartney biography says that Delia was approached by Paul to arrange a backing track for "Yesterday".

DELIA: He never came to the workshop. I always did work outside and he came to (Peter) Zinovieff's studio and I played him some of my stuff - that's all... but it was the phrase length he was interested in. I've always been non-conformist: I don't like the 8 bar or the 12 bar standard thing. They're all beautiful in their own way, but why not explore different phrase lengths? (Paul) never came to the workshop... Brian Jones did - golly! There we were with our hand tuned oscillators and he went into it with his frilly cuffs and things as though he could play it as a musical instrument! He died very young and I cried buckets. Pink Floyd (came to the workshop) and I took them down to Zinovieff's place.

JOHN: was Syd Barrett still in the band?

DELIA: How do you expect me to know?... I paid for the bloody taxi for all these people!

Derbyshire left the BBC in 1972.

DELIA: Something serious happened around '72, '73, '74: the world went out of tune with itself and the BBC went out of tune with itself... I think, probably, when they had an accountant as director general. I didn't like the music business.

JOHN: What actually happened after you left the BBC?

DELIA: Crazy, crazy, crazy! I was the best radio operator Laing Pipelines ever had! I answered a job in the paper for a French speaking radio operator. I just had to sleep - everything was out of tune, so I went to the north of Cumbria. It was twelve miles south of the border. I had a lovely house built from stones from Hadrian's Wall. I was in charge of three transmitters in a disused quarry. I did not want to get involved in a big organisation again. I'd fled the BBC and I thought - oh, Laing's... a local family firm! Then I found this huge consortium between Laing's and these two French companies.

Aside from the Doctor Who theme, Delia Derbyshire's music is not widely available. There are several tracks on a 1968 BBC lp known to collectors as the pink album. Among these are pieces written for t.v. dramas... Ziw-zih Ziw-zih Oo Oo - one of the most remarkable sounds I've ever heard with backwards chanting for th egod of an ancient civilisation... the incredible atmosphere of Blue Veils and Golden Sands evoking a hazy sun and a tribe travelling across a desert wilderness... and these still sound more radical and sonically unfathomable (how did she do it?!) than so much of today's "cutting edge". Now Delia is being discovered and, 30 years on, time seems to be catching up with her ideas. She's fired up, wanting to create new music and experiment with '90's technology... can't wait to hear the results! When I spoke to her I'd heard she was suffering from breast cancer and I didn't want to bring the subject up... but she did. Delia just said that she was not terminally ill and she wasn't sure how this rumour had got around - nor did she have a problem talking about it; she had been on Radio Four's Woman's Hour doing just that the previous week!.

DELIA: I've got a funny you can throw in. You can say that when you 'phoned me I was just back from the Doctor Who convention and before that I'd been having it off in the Derbyshire peak district!! (much laughter) Do you like that? ... oh I'm SO PLEASED!! I'm glad we built up to something!

Delia Derbyshire - the music is unique and, as they say, out of this world - the personality is inspiring. Yup... when Delia makes the scene, the scene is made!!

Many thanks to John Cavanagh and Gayle Brogan for allowing reproduction of the interview.

Bernhard Gal

As I have included him in my sketchbook I thought I had better add a link to his page...although I have to say his websites not great!

http://www.bernhardgal.com/sounds.html#cds

The Jewish Museum in Berlin

I'm going to put a link in, in reference to something I wrote about in my sketchbook about this museum.

http://www.jmberlin.de/main/EN/04-About-The-Museum/00-about-the-museum.php

An end to my narrative thingammy.

Hearing the young trolls snores the older troll returned to the camp. He made almost no noise, which for any troll, let alone a troll of his size, is very impressive. He looked around at his fellow travellers; the ginger cat looked even bigger - his fur now all puffed out, the ground vibrated from his deep purring and he was swaying lazily from side to side. The elf was curled into the trunk of a tree with the dwarf at his feet and the Knights chin was on his chest. As the troll's gaze fell on the wolves they flipper their tails, thumping the ground in happy wags. Raising his eyebrows he turned to Leila, who was calmly stoking the fire.

"My friends have been unable to sleep for days! How can I possibly repay you?"

Leila merely shook her head.The troll sighed, he should have known. She was renowned for never excepting thanks for her stories. Suddenly remembering her famous thirst for adventure, he opened his mouth to ask her to join their group when without warning a tremendous crashing and clattering sound came from the undergrowth around the clearing and the Klatchian army burst into the circle of fire-light!

 Just as abruptly, everything went dark!

Paul Driessen and...

I know I've posted stuff by him before and I think I've written about him in both my sketchbooks now! But this ones really funny and completely reminds me of a friend of mine!

And while I was looking for more of his stuff I found this, it's brilliant. And you don't quite get why until you reach the twist!

Another one I forgot

I've seen two scenes from Alice now and I hate them both, waaaay to creepy for me! Praise to Svankmajer for the sound effects (and I suppose visuals) but I don't want to watch anymore, thank you!

Things I've written about but forgot to put the videos up for.

Tim Hope's - The Wolfman

Dylan Kendle - Showreel

Trainspotting title sequene

A story within a story. - an introduction to me short story thingamy.

Leila is a wandering nomad, half elf, half ........, means she has the wisdom of many years behind her. She is a legendary storyteller, indeed it is said that her stories are so good that they appear to come alive and that whole armies have stopped in they're tracks, mesmerized by her tales. Rumor says that her fables are actually real and they come from far off lands she has visited.

One night, in the lands where Leila roamed...

Thunder rolled overhead and lightening crackled like static in the night air, over the northern ridges of the  ........ Forest. it was the middle of the 3rd Klatchian War and although this forest land was said to be full of hidden dangers and home to mysterious creatures, Leila could be found calmly picking her way through the dense undergrowth. She wasn't even startled when a huge pair of amber eyes materialized from the darkness. 

The troll, who the eyes belonged to said in a stone crumbling voice: 'Who goes there?'

'It is I, Leila, wandering Nomad of all the Lands'

With her words the troll withdrew and let her pass into a clearing, where an unusual band of travelers sat. There were two wizened looking old men (who could indeed be wizards), a young troll (a very rare sight indeed - you never see young trolls), a giant ginger cat, a knight (in not so shiny armour), three wolves, an elf and a dwarf. All of them looked disheveled, knackered and miserable. Drained from their various battles against king .......'s forces.

When Leila was introduced to them all, the young troll and the giant cat's eyes lit up! And they set up a clamoring for one of her extraordinary tales. 

And so smiling she settled herself on a patch of ground beside the fire and looking into the eager face of the young troll and began her tale...

:)

Don't lose the faith in achieving your dream!

I went on the little big planet sight to try and find out about foaly sounds as they have bizzliions of them in the games but I found this on my search.


http://www.littlebigplanet.com/en/news/article/a_littlebig_journey/

If your losing faith or hope in chasing your dream this mini documentary will change your mind :)

http://benburttinterviews.blogspot.com/

THIS is amazing! Really informative :) I think this guy might be my new hero as well, Wall-E was amazing and you know he made 2600 sound files for Wall-E!!! Star wars only had 1000 or so and indiana jones had about 700! The more I learn about sound design the more I realise  how much work goes into sound design in animation and the more excited I get!

Because sound effects in animation create the mood, a sense of realism and credibility within the movie. Sound also creates character and helps to build drama etc etc.

The wind in Wall-E was made by using the sound of the Niagra-falls filtered a bit and run through an echo chamber! A sense of loneliness can be created using different wind sounds!

"Many good sounds are created by accident."

Ben Burtt got a lot of stuff from ebay to create his sounds.

Experimentation is important.

I'll add to this more later I think! :)

Wall-E and 9

So I watched Wall-E and it's extra's because according to Calumn it's a must see for the sound they do in the animation. And then I forgot to write about it! I can't remember all of the bits I wanted to write either.
For people who don't know a good 70% of the film has no speach in it and indeed the first ten minutes has none at all, all it is, is the sound of Wall-E and his environment. - From tha statement alone I'm sure you can tell how important the sound in a film like that would be. Then you learn about things like Wall-E, just the charcater has hundreds of sounds alone and you start to get the picture! Just from talking to Calumn I knew how important sound was in animation but after watching Wall-E and it's extras I was blown away by it. It's also fascinating to see how the different sounds are created. Not just now but also in the early days of Disney. Disney's sound technicains used to build props to create the sound. Such as cranks and thunderboards. They then used to try and match the sounds to the film.

Now onto 9. I watched 9 ages ago when it was released on dvd (the benefits of working at blockbuster) but at the time I wasn't that interested in animation so i didn't really look much into so the other day I rerented it and watched the extras. For those who haven't seen 9 here's the synopsis:

The film is set in the near future where the worlds machines have turned on mankind and sparked social unrest - decimating the human population. But as the world collapses, a mission begins to slavage the legacy of civilization, and a group of "stitchpunk" creations are given the spark of life by a scientist - and they successfully survive the apolcalypse.

Then the small group os "stitchpunks" use their individual strengths to fight against the still functioning machines.

...I would carry on but I don't want to give too much away.

What really excited me when I watched the extras of this film was that it was originally a silent ten mintute short by the director Shane Acker made while he was still in uni. The short was nominated for Best Animated short in the Oscars and although it didn't win he was offered the chance to turn it into a full length feature. So with a team of people he added characters, changed them to talk and added some storyline which then became the full length feature. Also despite never having directed before - because it as his creation and his vision - he directed the film.

Watching the dvd extras from Wall-E impressed upon me the importance of sound where as watching the dvd exras from 9 showed me the importance of teamwork and patience and accepting that some things need to be changed or built on. And that taking advice from others is important to creating a well rounded product. These extras also showed me how important it is to have a some sort of a history to your creation because without it, your story can be somewhat two dimensional and lacking in depth.
The importance of mood also comes across very sharply for this film as because the mood is a lot more creepy and dark then other animations, the colours are also dark etc etc etc.

There is so much you can learn that you don't expect to just form watching the film extras. Such as: although you might have heard about animators acting out scenes to figure out the body movements of characters you don't really realise how much they do it and how many times to get the movement just perfect for the animations. They also sit with mirrors at their desks so that they can watch their facial espressions to see how their mouths are shaped when they talk so that can be converted onscreen also. They also work with weighted make-shift props when they are acting the scenes out so they can see how the weight of the object would afffect the characters movement. Ofcourse all of it is filmed so that it can e played back in order to see the movements and in a sense copy them.

It's cazy fascinating stuff but I feel I am rambling a little so I'm gona stop there :)

Rare Books and Manuscript

..is a short by Toby Litt.

I'm really annoyed I can't find this on youtube so that I can share it!! It's by far the best short I have seen in a long time and the best bit is it looks at themes I have looked into before...communication, talking without speech and I'm sure there was another one in there somewhere :)

See it pays to watch the DVD extras!!

There's some more extra I'll maybe write about tommorow.

Animations really everywhere..

Another example of a clever use animation that you probably don't really think about as animation.

Shocked! What about you?

I wrote about this in my sketchbook a while ago but I forgot to post it and see what your reaction was! 

Noise

Pain. Hurt. Confusion. You keep talking but you lost me a good ten minutes ago. A sinking feeling. Dread.  Back in the ditch. Knocked off track again. Eyes close. Eyes open. Darkness ensues. A question. I don't know the answer. I don't know the question either. Lost. In this place I am not myself. You should see me out there. Out there you wouldn't pity me. To carry on out there I need to survive in here. Survival of the fittest.
Why do I continue to do happy, when my understanding of the subject matter is minimal and clouded. Why try and draw the hills when they are shrouded in mist? That begs the question, why do anything at all? Life seems to have no point when I have no one to protect. If I have no one to protect then no one needs me, then why should I be here at all? A compass spinning without an anchor. A useless tool. Pack me away, hide me in your attic, shove me under your desk, lock me in your drawer.

Existence is marked by our achievements Then are we marred by existence? Trapped until age finally frees us. Tell me why tomorrow should be different? Give me someone to protect and I'll tell them just how good life is. Without this my life is a much a waste as it was when I was 18.

PART TWO

...

Deep in the mountains a tumble-weed was lost and far far away from home, he blew unnaturally fast in the chilly North wind that blew down through the Kitschnel pass (Dun Dun Dun).  Oh no isn't the Kitschnel pass where the Hag lives??

Yes and it's where the 'Knight is travelling too as well.

Now, the young tumble-weed Whats a tumble-weed?? And why doesn't he have a name?? 

You know in those old wild west films with the cowboys and Indians? Yeeeeeah. 

Well you know that bit where they show a barren landscape, where there's no tree's or people? Yeeeeah.

And then a plant shaped like a ball blows across the screen?

Yeeeeah.

Well that's a tumble-weed. This particular tumble-weeds name was Harvey and he was fed up of being blown around the mountain so he laboured against the wind until he made it into the mouth of a cave. The cave was pitch black and a dripping sound echoed from inside, it was spooky, Harvey huddled in the corner beside a stalagmite.  Then suddenly with a whooshing sound he disappeared through a hole in the cave floor. He tumbled faster then he had every tumbled in his life (he felt a little motion sick by the end) along a winding section of tunnels that were suspiciously just the right size for a young tumble-weed. With a whump he landed on a patch of mossy ground in what he thought was a bigger cave and peered around fearfully.

As Harvey fearfully looked round the cave he heard a strange sound next to him and swivelled round to find himself face to face with another face, a strange face, a face with no eyes and no mouth. He squashed himself into the cave wall and his eyes grew wide. The head the face belonged to tilted and the nose gave a sniff and then sneezed. Harvey shook himself. The face withdrew and a shaft of light fell on the person the face belonged too. The young tumble-weed gave a shocked gasp! The person had only 3 hairs sticking out of her head, she had no arms and only one wing! Why didn't she have any arms and only one wing??

Hush-up and wait and see.

Harvey was looking at the shocking figure of the Hag! But why does she look like that??

Long ago something happened to the Hag which is only known as The Hag's Great Pain and ever since that time she has lived alone deep in the mountains at the top of the Kitschnel pass. If you listen closely when the wind is blowing from the North then you can hear her wailing. Why is she wailing??

Because of her Great Pain.

Even in Harvey's home across the plains he had heard of The Hags Great Pain. But he had heard that the Hag was a formidable creature, that was to be feared. He thought now that although she was certainly formidable she was not to be feared. He looked at her crippled form and pitied her. He felt ashamed for believing all the stories about how she terrorised traveler's who got lost along the Kitschnel pass.

Meanwhile Ninja Knight with his Greased UpTM ninja skills had reached the bottom of the Kitschnel pass, at which point exactly as the 'Wizard Men' said the Go Faster GreaseTM ran out. He stood for a moment or two being buffeted by the wind before taking a decisive step forward. This is when his ninja skills began to come into play, he jumped from rock to rock so fast you couldn't even see him move between the rocks. Like moving at lightening speed?
Yes just like that!

Like I said the knight isn't the brightest button in the barrel and he hadn't thought to bring a map or a compass and it's no surprise he has no idea where he's going! So he bounced up and down the kitschnel pass using his ninja skills to go from rock to rock.

His sense of direction was so bad you could almost hear the wizard men sigh from far off in their homeland. But just this once they decided not to help out the knight.

The Knight now so lost that he could not even find the way out of the Kitschnel pass paused for a moment. He turned his head this way and that and then tilted it as if listening. A strange sound was whistling down the Ktschnel pass, the 'Knight presuming that it was the wind whistling through the top of the pass nodded to himself and then set off up the pass in search of a way out.

A short while later the Knight emerged at the top of the pass and gazed out in what could only have been wonder at the view of the Kalahu mountains. Did his eye grow wide?
Yes his eye grew very wide at the wonder of it all.

Just as the 'Knight seemed to relax he heard a strange scuffling noise coming from a cave to his right, almost like the sound of someone dragging a large sack of flour along the floor. It was a creepy sort of noise, but as you know the Knight wasa courageous hero so he poked his head into the cave only to come face to face with The Hag! The Knight straightened up pretty sharpish, at which point the Hag shuffled out of the cave. Seeing this and knowing the stories as well as the tumble weed, the Knight drew his saber sword (the shock of her appearance had caused him to forget his mission) with a loud swishinh humming sound. As he drew his sword the hairs that tthe Damsel had given him fell from his armour, where he had so carefully placed them and drifted on the wind toward the Hag.

Having heard the sword the Hag had shuffled back a few steps. Now as the hairs fell she froze and then did a very odd thing..she sniffed the air.

She was too late to see the Knight bringing his sword up ready to strike! Just as the Knight was about to lower his sword in what can have only been a fatal blow he saw out of the corner of his eye a shape roll out from the cave behind the Hag and come to rest in front of her.

Harvey shaking slighlty sat resolutley between the Knight and the Hag. Now that he knew that the Hag's legend wasn't really true and that she was really a gentle creature who had suffered a great pain that had scarred her he wasn't willing to let her be killed by the Ninja Knight!

Ninja Knight stood frozen with his sword still raised above his head.What was this strange  creature sitting between him and the Hag?! You could almost see the cogs turning in his head again as he procsessed this thought...the Hag...the Hag...THE HAG...he was supposed to find out about her great pain! Once again the Knight's eye grew wide with surprise!

Meanwhile the Hag had leaed forward to sniff the hairs that had fallen to the ground. She began to wail. A horrible high pitched inhuman sound.

Slowy gripped by a sudden possibility the Knight slowly picked up the hairs and held them closer to the Hag.

She sniffed them again and her wailing intensified. It was louder now and impossibly sad. Harvey flattened himself to the ground and slid toward her feet.

The Knight held the hairs yet closer and the threw her head back and wailed still louder!

Harvey had reached her by now and leant against her in an attempt to comfort. Feeling him at her feet she shuffled backwards and bent her head to look at him the wail dying in her throat.

As she shuffled backwards she had revealed a tunnel she had been standing in front of, seeing an escape from the horrible sound of her wailing the Knight's ninja skills kicked in and he flew down it running until he could no longer hear her pain.

When all he could hear was the clanking of his armour and the whooshing of the wind in his helmet the ninja knight slowed down until he was striding along at a swift walking pace. It was only now that he  could finally hear his own thoughts again that he remembered his mission...find out the Hags Great Pain.

Ninja Knight stopped and scratched his head. He appeared to frown (his eye closed slightly). Thinking over the events that had led him into the tunnel - with much frowning and sweating he came to the conclusion that the Hags Great Pain had something to do with the Damsel. Nodding, now satisfied that he had completled his mission he ambled on along the tunnel. But something niggled at him and he wasn't sure what..

A short while later he saw light at the end of the tunnel. Speeding up he came to some stairs and went straight into Ninja mode leaping up them ten at a time! In no time at all he came to the top of the staircase.

...

Slowly the Damsel turned from her window, the sunlight glinting off her hair, and looked upon her rescuer and the Ninja Kinght looked back.

As their eyes met, but the Knight only has one eye! 
Oh ok as her eyes met his (eye) a spark flashed between them.

Then before more sparks could fly the Ninja Knight whisked his Damsel In Distress up into his arms and ran with her back down the stairs and into the tunnel. He ran so fast he was almost a blur and the damsels hair whipped out behind her like a long waving blue curtain. Leaving a trailing scent of roses (the choclates, not the flowers) in their wake.

The Knight forgetting where he was going zoomed out of the other end of the tunnel and smack bang into the Hag! She didn't even move a muscle. The Knight, still with the Damsel in his arms froze and stared wide eyed at the Hag. Hag wiggled her nose, the Damsels hair was tickling it, she sneezed energetically and then sniffed...and then poked her nose into the Damsels hair and sniffed again...the Damsel burried her head fearfully into the Knights shoulder, still frozen in shock he did not move.

Or was it shock...a strange orange glow had incircled the three and it seemed to grow brighter. Then a strange snapping and cracking sound rent the air and the hag jerked upright and threw her head back, the Kinght steeled himself for her wailing but none came as she leaned forward again he saw that from the hole where he missing wing should have been a new wing was growing. A bright white glorious wing! Then hairs began to sprout from her head and arms began to grow back. Slowly as the Knight watched and the Damsel cowered the Hag became whole again, last to come where her eyes. They blinked and then her mouth opened and said in a voice as sweet as if it had never stopped being used:

"My daughter you have come back to me"

Hearing the motherly tones of that voice the Damsel turned her head and gasped in surprise! Her eyes grew wide and she flung herself from the Knights arms and into her mothers.

Together hag and Damsel wept with joy and sadness at the years lost and the happiness of finally finding each other again. For ofcourse the Hags Great Pain had been the loss of her child and the Damsel (her child) had come back to her. Carried by the very Knight who had meant to attack her.

Watching them the Knight contemplated the two - now so clearly mother and daughter and watched as their hair combined and flowed together in one shimmering curtain that enveloped them.

Nodding, safe in the knowledge that he had performed his mission admirabley and not only saved the Damsel but ended the Hags Great pain, he turned and made his way slowly back down the Kitschnel pass...

(sleep well little one)


      

Once upon a time...

...yes that's right this story is going to begin with a cliche and a well used one at that.

So once upon a time there was a Damsel who as fortune would have it was locked in a tower. Don't worry we'll get to the fortune bit later.

And so as is the same in all 'fairy tales' the wizard men went to fetch the knight. Hold on 'Wizard men'??
Yes 'wizard men' we'll get to that bit later as well.

So anyway the Wizard men went to get the Knight or I should say Ninja knight. Ninja Knight??
I see your going to question everything I say, yes Ninja knight. he not only looks a bit like a ninja but he supposedly has ninja skills as well, but that remains to be seen.

Ninja Knight listened to the 'Wizard men's' sorry tale and gave one decisive nod. The 'wizard men' knew for sure then, that the Knight would go to save the Damsel. But he didn't even speak???
I know he didn't speak! The Ninja Knight doesn't need to speak, he always considers everything very carefully and then makes his move. In fact he very rarely shows any emotion. A nod is quite a big deal.

With the decision made the 'Wizard men' drifted back to they're homeland to wait until they were needed next. Drifted? Homeland? Where do they live??
That is the beauty of the 'Wizard Men' they are a mystery, they move in mysterious ways and we have no idea where they go when they are not in the story..unless I decide to reveal more later. Now be patient.

Where was I? Ah yes the 'Wizard Men' having performed their duties drifted off  in their mysterious way and Ninja Knight turned to his trusty stead, Sid and gave another nod. Sid! What kind of name for a horse is Sid??
Sid is no ordinary horse, Sid is a skeletal horse, we think he may have had hair and organs and the like at some point but no one's really sure.

Unfortunately for Sid or Ninja Knight, depending on which perspective your looking at the situation from, Sid's calcium intake had gotten pretty low so when 'Knight jumped into the saddle he collapsed in an impressive pile of bones, leaving 'Knight looking bemused (which is pretty much the same expression as he usually has). Of course Sid is a magical horse, but old magical horses need time to repair and the Knight had no time to waste, he had a Damsel to save! So with much clinking and groaning the Knight picked himself up and looked around. It seemed he would need a new trusty stead... He just left Sid??
Yes he knew that Sid would put himself back together, it would just take some time and probably a few buckets of milk and a Milkybar or two.


So what's the Ninja Knight going to do??
Well the Ninja Knight had two options, he could take his not so trusty stead; Gordon, who is a very small purple Dragon, who to be honest is two sizes to small for the Knight to ride - but he has tried before - or he could walk - his power walking had improved immensely since he had started training for 'The Walk for Life'. The 'Knight considered his options carefully...

Just as the Knight was coming to his decision a strange wind blew up from the East and 'The Wizard Men' drifted in from their mysterious homeland.
"Hello Mr knight. We can help you out with you conundrum."
The Knight gave them one of his looks.
"In return for a favour we will give you Go Faster GreaseTm that will increase your Ninja Skills and get you to the Damsel in half the time."
The Knight appeared to consider this, you could almost see the cogs turning in his head.
Wait wait back up a second, Go Faster Grease TM?? 
Yes the Go Faster Grease is a Trademark of the Warrington Wizard Wanderers. I would get in a lot of trouble if I didn't say that is was a trademarked product. Even if it is only accessible by certain magical entities.
Now back to the story...The Knight considered the 'Wizard Mens' proposal and...(long pause)...Nodded.

And so in no time at all the Knight using his Greased upTM Ninja skills arrived at the tower where the Damsel was imprisoned.
Why's Greased upTM trademarked??
Oh thats because Greased UpTM is the slogan for Go Faster GreaseTM, so it's also Trademarked. It's annoying when Product placement gets in the way of a story isn't it?!
Now hush up or we're never going to get to the exciting part of the story.

Right where was I, ah yes, the Knight arrived at the tower where the Damsel was imprisoned. Now the Ninja Knight might have amazing ninja skills and fight like a pro but he isn't the brightest button in the barrel. So with a battle cry he drew his Saber Sword and charged the tower! Saber sword??
I knew you would ask about the sword! His sword is aptly named Saber Sword because it is far too long and bright blue! So is it like made of plasma like a Lightsaber??
..*ahem hem* Ehr why don't you Er just wait and see?!

It's no surprise that with a loud Plink he rebounded off the tower and with a Whoosh and a clank landed flat on his back. He blinked in surprise. (The blink shows his surprise!) There followed a mighty crumbling sound and to the increasing surprise of the 'Knight (He blinked again) some eyes appeared in the tower. They Blinked. Then with a further rumble some eyebrows appeared and they frowned. Some mortar began to crumble away from the tower at this point.
The 'Knight  blinked again and his eye grew wide.
His eye? Don't you mean eyeS??
No I mean eye. You can only see one of the 'Knights eyes, hence his name: Ninja Knight. It's also a little known fact that under his armour he is actually missing an eye! He traded it with a witch for...*ahem* anyway that's a story for another day.

A cracking sound was coming from the tower, a mouth was appearing. With a pop the Wizard men reappeared!
"You cannot fight this tower Ninja Knight. If you do not do what we tell you the tower will swallow you whole!
It is time for you to return the favour you traded for Go Faster GreaseTM."
The Knight did not move, merely looked at the 'Wizard Men'.
So are you going to tell me why they're called 'Wizard Men' yet??
Oh you are impatient! Fine I shall tell you a little about the 'Wizard Men'. They have been dubbed the 'Wizard Men' for a few reasons, the most obvious being that they wear what is commonly called a pointed wizards hat, they appear in the story 'as if by magic' and they have an air of mystery around them that only high level wizards can achieve, little else is known about them. The term men is used loosely as we have no idea what gender they are - no one can get that close to them
Now can I carry on with the story?
But don't the 'Wizard Men' have names??
If I knew their names I would have told you.

The 'Wizard Men' continued:
"To overcome the towers power and save the Damsel you must journey into the mountains and through the Kitshnel pass to the home of the Hag. There you must learn of the 'Hags great pain' and help her to overcome it..."

Slowly the Ninja Knights eye grew wide. And then with a blink his eye returned to normal. Very slowly he gave one great nod. (A significant display of emotion from the Knight)

After the knight nodded, just like a leaf falling from a tree in autumn, two single blue hairs floated down from the tower and landed neatly on his hand, just as if they had meant to land there. They were the Damsels hairs, So Ninja Knight would be able to come back to her.

"You have enough Go Faster GreaseTM to get to the bottom of the Kitschnel pass but after that you must rely on your own skills"

Infinitely slowly the Knight shook is head. At this point the "Wizard Men' appeared to freeze. Aren't they usually still?
No the 'Wizard Men' usually float.
They also appeared to grow in size.

"YOU MUST USE YOUR OWN SKILLS ON THE KITSCHNEL PASS!!"

The Knight appeared to shake slightly. The 'Wizard Men' grew still further. The Knight blinked. The 'Wizard Men' grew. The Knight blinked again. And still the 'Wizard Men' grew taller. Slowly the knights mouth opened. I thought he didn't have a mouth??
He doesn't usually thats why it's such a big deal when his mouth appears!
Oooooh.

"YOU MUST USE YOUR OWN SKILLS"

The Knight shook for a moment more and then blinked and closed his mouth. He then did a very strange thing, he turned his head and his eye to the sky and nodded and then turned and with his Greased UpTM  powers headed off in the direction of the Kitschnel pass...